I had an entire post written about what happened on tuesday and I deleted it. It was my take on what we should do now in light of who we will have in the whitehouse as of January 20th. I deleted it because I have nothing to say about any of it anymore. I’m at a loss for words for a different reason today.
I lost a friend earlier this week. I found out about it today. I’m not going to share her name out of respect to her family because it’s not really public knowledge yet. I haven’t seen my friend in years. I haven’t even spoken to her in quite some time. When I first heard that she passed I was sad. Then I started to think. This person brought so much joy into the world. People feel differently about themselves, better, more hopeful, unique, special, and cool because they spent time around her.
3rd grade was the first year of school that sucked for me. I got fat, there was another Sam in my class so I had to go by Samuel for half the year, my teacher was mean…. So by the time summer between 3rd and 4th ended I wasn’t super excited to go back to school. She was one of the first people who was nice to me in 4th grade. I have little to no memories from 4th grade other than my teacher was cool and that my friend that passed away was nice to me. She was one of the first people who was nice to me at a time where I started to develop a negative self imagine it was people like her who made me laugh, made me smile, and made me feel like not such a fat loser.
When I found out this morning, I was bummed out. I needed to get my mind off of the sadness, so before work I noticed that Heavyweights is on Netflix and I haven’t seen that movie in a long time. It’s a lighthearted comedy about a fat camp. There’s a scene where the camp has a dance and true to reality the girls are on one side, and the fat dudes of Camp Hope are on the other. Neither are interacting or dancing. Also much like reality the counselors are the ones who jump in the middle of an empty dance floor and dance and make a fool of themselves and then all the kids realize that it’s ok to have fun. This scene is hilarious, especially if you have ever been to a junior high camp before. I paused the movie and realize that I was weeping. She was the type of person that would and could make a fool of herself so that other people would realize that it’s ok to be silly.
She was hurting. She was struggling with something and must have felt isolated and alone. I can’t even imagine the hurt she was wrestling with but my heart is absolutely shattered to know that someone who had such a profound effect on my life and many others, who was such a bright light, was hurting so deeply.
In the Northwest, there are very few people that I have known since before I moved out here. I can count them on one hand. She was one of them. She was on my list of “I should connect with her because even though I’m sure she has her own community of friends; it’s always nice to see an old familiar face and to catch up”. Well now she’s gone, and I wont get a chance to grab a coffee and catch up. I wont get a chance to hear about all the wonderful things that she’s been a part of. I won’t ever get to tell her how much her kindness meant to me and that sucks.
I’m writing this as part of my grieving process but also, for those who are reading it hear this:
There is so much darkness and hate in this world. It is SOO easy to isolate ourselves especially today. You can still feel “connected” to people who you genuinely care deeply about through facebook or IG or whatever social media outlet you choose to follow their lives on. What I am begging each and every one of you to do is to reach out. Call someone. Catch up with old friends. Take the trips to see the people you haven’t seen in a while. Spend the time connecting to each other. Share your light, your joy, and your hope with others. You don’t know what people are going through, and if no one asks, then its easy to believe that no one cares. Please let someone you care about know how you feel, let them know how they make you feel. Be real, be honest, and be vulnerable. If you are hurting, reach out. I don’t know what else to say….