I’ve been thinking alot about paradoxes lately. Thinking about and experiencing them.
This past week I worked alot. It was alot even based on my normal standard which is too much for normal humans. My boss is on vacation, and we’re understaffed and there was some crazy stuff happening at work, on top of having the last D’Asporto events for a while. In the midst of all the chaos, I was at peace. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t go straight to peace… I definitely took a few detours into despair, madness, (at one point I literally sat underneath the desk at work) depression, anger, manic happiness, and eventually I found a nice lane was with this peace that was absolutely necessary to make it through.
It felt like a jet stream. I’ve never been a pilot or a bird so I’m not exactly sure if this analogy holds up, but looking at my situation there is no where that I could see peace. It was all chaos. Constant fires to put out, and everywhere I turned there was something else that required all of my focus and attention to figure out. Once I found my peace, I started to get some traction, some things started to go my way, and with each little victory I started feeling more and more at ease. Alot of things were still on fire, but I wasn’t feeling the heat, I had this inexplicable focus. I’m not sure if I was just beyond exhausted or I just found a new gear to go into.
There are at least 50 things I would have done differently, and I’m not necessarily proud of the job I did for the last week. However, I did it. Last week happened and I’m still kicking.
I wrote wrote that in October last year and never finished the post. So I’m going to pick it back up and expand. Much like the title, I feel like alot has happened since October, and at the same time, not much has happened. Funny how that works huh? How sometimes at a micro scale everything seems so busy and so much is moving and changing, however at the macro, it’s all basically the same.
I did make it out of that week alive. It changed me in ways that I didn’t realize at the time. That week was a wake up call. I began to see some things the way they really are. I have a tendency to function in the present with the reality of the past dictating my thoughts, opinions, and motivations. I guess we all do that to a certain extent. For me this equates to a lazy ignorance to change which causes me to just spin my wheels and wonder why I haven’t made any progress. For example… I consider myself a writer. In the past when I have not sat down to write creatively I would always excuse myself because part of my job dictates that I write and I would try to present ideas and situations in a creative way, in my own voice if you will. However I realized recently that I don’t do that. I write what I’m supposed to, bare minimum, and call it good. So by the reality of the past (me writing every day, storytelling, expanding on ideas, daydreams, etc) I can consider myself a writer, I can say I love writing, it’s fun for me. However what is actually going on is, that I never sit down to write. Even now, I’m writing this as a way of procrastinating doing other “more important” things.
So yet again, I find myself in another terrible cycle of wanting to do something, without making the time for it. Here’s to 2018. I don’t think I’ll figure it out this year, but I am pretty excited for somethings that are in the works. Dana and I are going to have a eventful year. Will I write more? sure. Will it be consistent? doubtful. Will I try? yeah. or at least I’ll tell myself I’ll try so that I can feel better about calling myself a writer. What is a storyteller who doesn’t tell stories? I think I figured that out over the last year and I don’t like it. So here’s to telling stories. Here’s to making things happen in the macro and slowing it down in the micro.